


Frozen

by Minos_forlorn



Series: Though we grit our teeth [5]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, Gen, Light Angst, Suicidal Thoughts, there's that classic we're here for you talk, with just a hint of a confession at the end, yeah so this is essentially a mini therapy session lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-13 04:08:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28897146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Minos_forlorn/pseuds/Minos_forlorn
Summary: “That’s not it.” She grabs a fistful of the sheets. “When the gun was on me, I just... I froze.”
Relationships: Pieck Finger & Annie Leonhart, Pieck Finger/Annie Leonhart
Series: Though we grit our teeth [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2067876
Comments: 9
Kudos: 11





	Frozen

**Author's Note:**

> This is set in an AU where RBA chose to return to Marley 2 years into the Paradis mission.

_ To hell with everything _ , Annie thinks for the millionth time as she sits slumped against a rock, watching the Armor and Beast titans finish the enemy off. She’s letting Pieck rest her head on her shoulder, not necessarily because it was only thanks to the Cart that she got out of the situation alive, but because she knows Pieck won’t tell the others what happened out there. 

There’s a succession of blasts and explosions that she recognises as Zeke hurling a barrage of ammunition at the remains of the fort. As that noise dies down, she registers the sound of footsteps behind them and nearly leaps up, but it’s only Bertholdt. 

“We got here as fast as we could,” he says, running over. “But it looks like it's under control now. You two okay?”

“Great,” Annie mutters. 

Bertholdt crouches down next to them. “Pieck?” She cranks open an eye, which seems to be enough for him.

“What, is the whole damn world mass-manufacturing this crap now?” Zeke is fuming, in both senses of the word, gesticulating fiercely as he grumbles, more to himself than to Galliard dragging his feet behind him. He takes off his steamed-up glasses and hangs them on the collar of his uniform. “I’m going to have Magath address this. Pretty soon, nothing we do will be enough.” He points a finger at Bertholdt. “You’re the only thing that still strikes some fear into them, but I’m sure they’ll come up with something for you too in no time.”

He moves to lift Pieck up into his arms, and Annie shivers when the wind hits her side where the warmth was. Bertholdt offers her a hand, which she shoves away. What’s he trying to do, make a show of this little moment of frailty? Still, he hovers around her like a fly as they make their way towards the others.

Suddenly, he perks his head up, as though just remembering something. “I should go check if they need any help with-” His words die in his throat as Annie grabs hold of his uniform to stop him in his tracks. She pulls him down so their faces are somewhat level. His wide eyes dart around in utter confusion.

Finally, when there’s no one around to hear, Annie mutters, “Why are you still like this?”

“Uh.” He flexes his fingers, hand halfway raised. “I’m just trying to make myself useful.”

“Why?”

He’s quiet for a bit, unsure how to respond. “Wh-”

“You know they’re going to replace us first chance they get. Why are you trying so hard to suck up to them? They’re going to kill us, just as they did Reiner.”

She knows as soon as she says it, by the ripple of grief that spreads over his face, that she has gone too far, but there is nothing to be done. “Reiner,” he starts slowly, “gave himself up so that we could live. Regardless of what you think of Marley, I think we should at least  honour that.”

She glares at him, a comeback at the tip of her tongue. It’s the first time in a long while that the topic of Reiner has come up. She shouldn’t have brought it up at all, it just kind of slipped out. Just another dead kid on the list of many, but Bertholdt still carries the guilt with him. Annie feels no such remorse, but the memory refuses to fade, as well as the feeling of dread in the pit of her stomach that accompanies it. It serves as a relatively recent reminder of just how screwed they all are. She decides then that she wants nothing more with this. Releasing her grip on Bertholdt’s uniform, she lets him go without another word. 

“What’s eating you?” 

Annie glances over at Pieck, who’s propped herself up in bed. “Besides  Zofia in a few years, I mean.” She rolls her eyes at that and Pieck lets out a huff of laughter. “Sorry. But seriously, is it about what happened on the battlefield?”

“Can we not discuss this?”

“Annie.”

She keeps her eyes trained to the floor, thinking maybe she can just ignore her.

“The entire battle was a mess. We were all acting on instinct, but everything still worked out fine in the end.” 

“That’s not it.” She grabs a fistful of the sheets. “When the gun was on me, I just...”

_ Galliard’s forging a path for the soldiers up ahead while she and Pieck take care of the attack waves. One, two lines of infantry, all taken care of with one sweep. When the smoke clears up enough to roughly make out what’s ahead, she finds herself staring at a cannon aimed at her head. She’s seen it once before – anti-titan artillery. The blast is strong enough to potentially take out any titan with a single hit, even one of the Nine. It takes her a second to process this, as well as the fact that the gun is mounted to the ground, so she should be able to get out of range fairly easily.  _

_ Instead, she stands there, unmoving, as her mind goes blank. Time seems to slow down, up until something throws itself in the way of fire. In quick succession, the titan’s mangled body is thrown backwards, a hitch of breath, a flash as Pieck transforms again and bolts, more smoke as Annie takes out the cannons. _

“I froze.”

“That does seem unlike you,” Pieck says after a while, reaching for her crutch. “I thought it just caught you off guard, though. Happens to all of us.”

“Not me.” It’s never been an issue before. Whenever she found herself in a precarious situation, her first instinct was usually to fight. There were moments when the more viable option was to run, and she had never been stuck trying to decide between the two. Until today, that is. 

The bed creaks a bit as Pieck sits down beside her. “What was going through your mind there?”

She frowns. It’s not something she’s ever been comfortable with, the idea of putting herself in such a vulnerable position so as to speak her thoughts aloud. But then again, no one has ever actually asked her to. She’s not even sure she could put them into words.

“You hide it well, but I can tell it’s really weighing down on you, and I genuinely wish to help you if I can.” She knows not to touch her, but she places a hand down next to Annie’s. Mere centimetres apart, an implication. “So please talk to me?”

She doesn’t respond for a long time, but Pieck is stubborn. Or patient, rather. Her voice is quiet when she finally forces the words out. “I don’t want to keep doing this.”

“This?”

“Being a Warrior. The titan stuff. I never wanted any of this.”

“What made you join the program?”

“My dad made me,” she scoffs. “Trained me my whole life for it. And then that morning before we left, he begged me not to go.”

“Ah.” She’s quiet for a bit, probably unsure how to comment on that. Annie can’t really blame her. “I mean, that’s an understandable reaction. What parent wants to see their child go off to war?”

“He could have thought of that much earlier.”

“That’s true. But better late than never, I’d say.” 

“I guess,” she mutters. 

Pieck lies back on the bed. Not long after, Annie joins her. 

“On Paradis, all I could think about was how badly I wanted to come back home,” she says, staring at the ceiling. “And now that I’m here it just feels...”

“Lacking?”

“It’s like being in a cage.”

Pieck hums. “That’s a good way of putting it.”

“Back there...” She knows she’ll hate it later, having already said so much, putting herself in such a vulnerable state. She hates it  _ now _ . But at this point, she might as well let it out here, in a base far from Liberio with Pieck as the only witness, rather than somewhere more dangerous. “I don’t want to die, I don’t think. But I can’t exactly find any value in my life either. Back there, I think I would have been okay with any outcome.”

Pieck turns her head to look at her. “How long have you felt like this?”

She thinks for a bit. “My whole life, pretty much? Some days are okay. Others, I just...”

Freeze. Lose sight of the world around her. Some days she can’t decide if she wants to see it all burn to the ground or simply disappear without a trace. Mostly, she wants to stop and stay frozen, let the world pass her by. It’s fucking exhausting.

“This isn’t something that goes away quickly, if ever,” Pieck says quietly. “But it can be lessened, if one is willing to try.”

“There’s no time.” That’s a constant on her mind, that their lives are ticking away at an alarmingly fast pace. It’s the hurdle that makes all the subsequent smaller ones insignificant.

“You’d be surprised how much can happen in just a single day, let alone years,” Pieck says softly. “We shouldn’t spend all our time here being miserable.”

_ Have you looked around you? _ she wants to ask. The world will not be changed in the course of their lifespans, this much she is sure of. But she’s known Pieck long enough to know she doesn’t build her beliefs on mindless optimism, far from that.

“It’s like you said, some days are better than others,” Pieck continues. “Focus on one at a time. And please know that if you ever wish to talk, or not even talk but just hang out, we’re here for you.”

“We?”

“Me, Zeke, Bertholdt-”

“I never talk to Zeke, though. And I’m pretty sure Bertholdt hates me.”

Pieck blinks at that. “Hate you? Don’t be ridiculous. I don’t think that kid is capable of hating anyone. I mean it, Annie. All of us. Even Galliard.”

She scoffs. “Galliard, really?”

“Yes. He asks about you when you don’t show up to sparring. Point is, the  world’s not filled with only enemies. And we’re all in this hell together, so we need to have each other’s backs.”

She’s had a few years to think, but it’s all still very new to her – the idea that people are not inherently selfish, that someone would be willing to take a hit in her stead for absolutely no personal gain. That there may be people whom she can actually trust. It’s contrary to everything she’s ever known and grown to believe. Her father’s words, well supported by the several kinds of horrors she’s seen in the world, still echo in her head. She’s never been one to fall for propaganda, always approached ideas with suspicion and assumed the worst in people. She’s had no reason to do otherwise. Their 2-year adventure on Paradis has at least made her realise that one should not base their faith on words alone but rather hands-on experience. For some reason, the genuine tenderness in Pieck’s voice feels like an incentive to at least try and see for herself if her words hold true.

“I’m not good with people, though.”

“You don’t have to be.” Pieck moves her hand to intertwine some of her fingers with Annie’s, the lightest of touches. It’s still enough to send a spark down her spine. “Just be you. That’s enough.”

“Cold and all?” she murmurs. It’s how people have been describing her for years. And while she doesn’t particularly care for their words, they have every right to draw their conclusions based on their experience.

“I like you as you are,” Pieck says softly. 

The words themselves, as well as the deliberate choice of pronoun, cause Annie’s mind to go blank once again. It’s not fear or despair that accompany it this time around, but something else she can’t quite pin down. She says nothing more, giving Pieck’s hand a gentle squeeze in return.

She doesn’t understand any of it – why Pieck is always willing to listen to her, why Bertholdt still offers her a hand no matter how many times she refuses it, why Reiner gave his life for the two of them. And since she can’t escape it, she’ll at least make an effort to try and understand.


End file.
